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Why haven’t pigs learned to shit bacon?

Following the discovery of the Wake n Bacon I fell into a discussion about the food chain, and it occurred to me that, from an evolutionary stance, pigs are really letting the side down. I mean, if evolution is a theory to embrace, and survival of the fittest / natural selection has a hand in all things, then surely pigs should have evolved to shit bacon by now? I mean - that's a given, right?

Impossible, you say? Madness, you cry?

Well, let's talk sheep.

Sheep got it right. They realised that the fast evolving caveman was all about the alopecia and hell-bent on wrapping up warm in the pelt of any other creature he could lay his opposable-thumbed mitts upon. And he was none too fussy about the approach – kill it, skin it, wear it most likely on the old cave wall PowerPoint productivity presentations.

So what happens? Understanding that they're basically dead menswear walking, the sheep evolve. Velcro not yet a common occurrence, the sheep offer the next best thing: pelts you can whip off with little more than a tug and a stone. Sheep – 1, humans – 1. Everybody's smiling. (Like this little fella!)

Yes, yes… Sheep have yet to perfect the extra chops they need to grow to let man harmlessly hack off and eat, while the sheep keeps on going, but you know? I figure they're working on it.

More so than the pigs. Pigs have really put very little thought or effort into the matter. They could, at the very least, offer pull away crackling. That evolutionary leap alone could bide them some time from the chopping block.

Come on Dawkins – get these swine in line.

(Image: a pig in need of some evolution and PR attention)

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Bacon in bed - a reason to wed

Oh. My. Lord.

Take a look at this: the Wake 'n' Bacon. The 21st Century has come to its zenith early. Balls to the 'singularity' of Artificial Intelligence; fuck the Large Haydron Collider; the Wake 'n' Bacon is here:

See the wooden bedside pig. A simple piece of furniture? No, sir - 'tis more! Look at the lights! The LED display! This is something more!

Holy streaky goodness, Batman! This bedside pig actually COOKS you bacon while you sleep. So you can finally live the dream of waking to the sweet smells of fresh cooked bacon in the morning. It's genius. Genius, I tell you.

Of course, it's the logical evolution of the Teasmade. Which incidentally I recommend you get to accompany the

Wake n Bacon. Nothing like a fresh cup of coffee to go with your bacon sandwi... Oh, hold on. You'll need a breadmaker too, for that fresh-baked bread to make your bacon sandwich, to go with your coffee.

Don't forget a ketchup dispenser. Maybe a smoothie-maker would help hit the spot. And surely there's a wooden chicken out there that can rustle me some eggy action to go with my bacon? The cuddley bedside coddler?

Fuck alive, this shit's worth getting married for. I mean there's a bedroom breakfast bar wedding list to die for here. Imagine that first day after the night's nuptuals - waking up to breakfast with the one you love. And every day thereafter. A life together basking in the glory of your bacony boudoir. Divorce rates will fall to the rising might of coronary heart disease.

Romance made better by the progress of appliances. You saw it here first.

Article Dan

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Filed under // Bacon Bacon in bed Bedside bacon buddy Bizarre Humour Teasmade Wake n Bacon

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Why haven’t pigs learned to shit bacon?

Bacon in bed - a reason to wed